The Old Rugged Cross - Heaven Board #16

 Dad passed into eternity peacefully January 5, 2021 at 7:40pm CST.  

Donal Lee Wisner

Wisner, Donal Lee, 95, devoted husband, loving father, faithful grandfather, and great grandfather, has gone to rest in peace. Private graveside services in Mulhall, Oklahoma, per his request. He was preceded in death by his parents, and wife Flora Wells Wisner. Survived by his children, D'Lane Wisner, Garen Wisner, and Vana Hartley; 5 grandchildren; and 4 great grandchildren. In lieu of flowers memorials to South Rock Christian Church, 900 S Rock Rd, Derby KS 67037. Share condolences at Smith Family Mortuaries : Derby, Kansas (KS) : Wichita, (KS)

I couldn't find the 90 "Because of You" list I had read to Dad on his 90th birthday (right after Mom's Death).  So I reconstructed that for his Eulogy on Saturday 1/9/2021. Too numerous to post and too personal to share - best summarized by:

A Christian Man in every way - and a GOOD and FAITHFUL SERVANT.  Dad you taught me that the Heaven where you now are with Mom  ----  Well ...... - Just three words ...... "It is Beautiful"

Three Words - Heaven Board #15

I should have posted this blog entry back in January 2020.  But the emotion of Dad's fall and near death experience with my 10 day visit to Derby Kansas while he was in ICU overwhelmed my emotions and clouded any desire to record my feelings.   Now the time is right to record this into my Heaven Board. 

The Wednesday Men's Breakfast group meet tomorrow to discuss C.S. Lewis's book "Mere Christianity".  We will be discussing Book 3 Chapter 10 - "Hope".   It reminded me of the genesis of the "Heaven Board" that I have neglected.   

Consider this my backdated Blog for Tuesday January 21, 2020  (almost a year ago):

It was Tuesday morning January 21, 2020 at the breakfast table in Derby Kansas (a suburb of Wichita) at the Derby Health and Rehabilitation Center that my 94 year old Dad and I had “the moment”.  Just three words would punctuate a master story that will stay with me forever. 

Dad had an Acute Level 2 fall on Sunday January 6^th (Falls are rated 1-4 with 1 being the worst) with bleeding on the brain.  The bleeding had increased by Wednesday as he was bounced back to ICU with mortality in question.  Thursday without food and any eye contact, the Palliative Care consultant was quizzing my sister about the family decision regarding feeding tubes. 

Saturday morning I left Cincinnati and for the next six days I stayed at the Wichita hospital with Dad to try to nurse him back to life – feeding him, changing him, and trying whatever loving therapy I could deliver – praying for recovery, realistically fearing the future and anticipating the worst. I could pray God’s will be done in my head, but my heart was riding a rollercoaster.  Each day was an up or down.  Yet the trend seemed to point to Dad at least getting out of ICU.  But where?

Friday Jan. 14^th he was discharged (after significant stressful discussions) to Derby Health and Rehabilitation Center.  I kept moving my date to return to Cincinnati until I could see Dad stabilized and until my sister had come to her difficult decision to take Family Medical leave from her job and take over Dad’s care and advocacy.   Right or not, I felt without almost 24/7 attention Dad would drift and die.

At least three times during my eleven day stay, I felt that Dad might just leave this world – right in my presence.  When Dad was removed from Kepra (a drug given to prevent seizures and stroke) he began to have random seizures --- some lasting minutes (although my emotional reaction may have made time slow down).  The family had already discussed Dad’s DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and his wrist band clearly informed the hospital staff of that instruction. Would I have the courage not to call a nurse and see Dad die in my presence?

It was in a similar transfer this November, that a good friend (Mike Lipp) and spiritual small group member had died.  I spoke of his faith and courage at his funeral.  I had visited him in ICU the day before his transfer and death.  Mike had died in the EMS vehicle on the way to Rehab.  My fears were building that Dad would die in his transfer to Rehab also.    

Dad had another seizure just hours before his transfer.  It was the longest and worst. His whole body convulsed as if holding live 220volt wires – eyes shocked, body trembling feverously with no ability to communicate.   When the prior seizures would stop, I would ask “Dad…. Are you hurt; what happened; are you in pain?”.   Each time Dad would say nothing and not even acknowledge anything had happened.  This long seizure was no exception.  Yet it did end without calling anyone in to help.  The transfer would proceed. Adding to that stress, I would be unable to join Dad in the Van.  Could he die in transport like Mike Lipp - without me there?

 My head and “logical” conversation with others tired to calmly accept a possible ending – “Dad has lived a great life at age 94”, but my heart and emotions were unwilling to let him go.  I struggled internally with my other priorities - I had a life, family, responsibilities that needed me in Cincinnati.  How could my heart ever be strong enough to leave Dad and not be there if he should die?

Dad arrived safely at Derby Health and Rehabilitation on Friday afternoon.  Saturday Dad took a dive and with that my emotions.  I just couldn’t leave – Dad’s condition would go up and down for four more days.  Would Dad ever stabilize enough for my heart to match my head?

My head was trying to program Dad – but more trying to convince  my heart.  Yes -  I was telling Dad that my brother would be arriving Thursday.  Yes – I was telling Dad I would return Feb. 10.   Yes – I was telling Dad that my sister was there full time for him until Mid March.   But even my logic was not speaking truth from my heart.  The real world realities had now set in.  I must leave sometime – but when?  On Sunday, I announced to my sister I would be leaving Tuesday afternoon. She must care for Dad alone  Wednesday and Thursday and then my brother would arrive to help.  

I was dreading Tuesday morning breakfast – the goodbye.  How could I stay strong enough and not break down in front of Dad?   How could I get my heart and emotions aligned with my head – or visa versa?   

It was a bright crisp day with little to no clouds -  a good travel day versus the snowstorms of December and January that I had to navigate previously.  Dad was served his normal breakfast of oatmeal but the pancake, eggs and bacon had been pureed (mandated by the speech therapy nurse to avoid aspiration). Dad was not in the best mood about that.   Yet after encouraging him to eat for his strength, he complied and then nodded off at the table.  This was normal as his condition required significant concentration and energy to even eat and drink safely.  Yet another seizure awoke Dad – this one slightly different.  His facial expression now less a shock and more just intrigue – he reached his left arm (his strongest) stiffly out, completely extended in the air, shaking it as if electricity had control, his fist clenched – for the next 15-30 seconds -  he was in a daze.  For the first time my reaction was not in fear.  Instead once the seizure stopped, I asked Dad……  “Dad, What did you see?”    Afterall, he seemed to be reaching for something.   He had just three words, only three:  “IT WAS BEAUTIFUL”.  

Immediately I began drilling him with questions -  Did you see a light?  Did you see trees?   Did you see anyone?  Tell me what you saw?   Dad had no response.  Not unusual because his cognitive ability beyond three words and short statements for the past 11 days was limited.   But three words, for me, was enough.   Enough for me to be at peace leaving Dad that afternoon. 

Was it, a glimpse of heaven?   Was it, as my daughter the nurse said? --- “Oh Dad, focal seizures with hallucinations are typical of brain injuries.” Was it, Dad and the strength of a father assuring his son, even in his end journey, that I could go?  Was it God delivering the benediction of 11 days of JOY?  

When we are born there is little self-awareness; when we are at the minutes end, I wonder how much self-awareness we will have then.   Yet, as adults, we can see and/or experience births of our children and we might see and experience the end of life journeys of our parents.  Why should one be  happy and the other sad?   After these three words from my Dad,  I think both experiences are bounded in JOY.  

New Time and Space - Xmas 2020

 

Wisner Family (et al) December 2020

As the 202^nd decade descends, we welcome its close.  After three consecutive years visiting ICU rooms, we look forward to the end of COVID-19 and the hope of NEW TIME and SPACE for the next decade – 01-01-2021.   

 

Ellen (NEW JOB) – Now holds the Cum Laude College GPA family record along with the shortest Graduation ceremony in history.  She can now Escape from college homework into calling Fidelity Investments her center of Serious(7) Studies.  Ellen fought like a Tiger for savings for a Jeep – I guess she will settle for the moon.

 

Jenna and Paul Robinson (NEW LIFE) – Making room for new life is not easy. Olfactory odors overwhelmed ownership.  But a new sunroom, bathroom, and emerging nursery, created the necessary diversion and it seems the future is in full swing.   SO FAr the Councilrock offsite storage solution is working. 

 

Susan – (NEW SKILLS) – Nothing to conceal in her dislike about the election results, Susan refused this year to carry any virus and scooted COVID-19 free this year.  Adding Drug Free clients to her business allowed a new view from her desk.  With the deep pockets of Sports Club investments and grocery errand expeditions, Alexa announced the “Best Mom in the World” – as one who provides daily nutritional meals on wheels. 

 

Garen – (NEW HEALTH) – His new COVID-10lb diet let Garen ZOOM down to his college weight.  Now that he is more than halfway to 70, he finally grew the TV size beyond his height and age.  Competing with Amazon, his Christian Man delivery route was supplemented with his own prime series.  Hiding in his own basement, the outdoor patio heater extends his Man Cave activities. 

 

It was a grave day when Cincinnati lost its Painters, but friendship is an absolute truth despite a Boston Illegal gathering.  Even with cancellations of the Rockies and Hilton Head, the family squeezed in travel to KS, NV, NY, and FL.  But ten months of shelter in place gave us full understanding of like inside invisible fences and COVID restricted Nursing Homes. 

 

Susan and I are blessed to have a parent each to honor and protect – DNA history of good physical and spiritual well-being.  Falls are hard but calls are heard.  The COVID-19 veil clouds our physical connections with family and friends.  Even so, the bonds of relationships are eternal regardless of time and space. 

 

  Merry Christmas and

       Happy New Year

“Time and Space are not conditions in which we live,

but modes by which we think.”      Albert Einstein

Boston Legal #21 - COVID or NOT

 Thursday Sept. 17 was another "mini" Boston Legal with just smokes and drinks imposed by the outside gathering constraints of COVID-19. Hosted at the Councilrock location, the days of Cincinnati gatherings may be limited as J.P. exits soon.   Zoom calls would be a weak substitute but predicting any future of 2021 is futile.  

No theme was even attempted for the evening other than to end in the frustrated feeling around our views of the threat of COVID-19.  Looking at the numbers daily, I can easily see (even in myself at that age) the college age attitudes of "get it  and get it over with".  As fall approaches our vigilance needs bolstering right at the time of weary fatigue.  

Today's news from United Kingdom predicting a fall growth in COVID-19 cases predates an October Halloween scare and created a market selloff.  Will a similar second wave occur like the 1918 Spanish Flu?  Even the hope of an early vaccine could be no different than the misguided belief that aspirin would control the Spanish Flu and may have contributed to deaths due to aspirin poisonings. The only sure thing we know is how much we don't know.

Weary not Worry is now my word for this crisis.  Lament not Laugh is the emotion.   What not Why is the thought exercise.  Hope not Helpless is the attitude.  

  

 

DESERVED or DESIRED

The BIG surprise for Ellen ended up being only a partial one today.  For years Ellen has wanted me to purchase a BIG TV and every trip to Sams Club we would look and look and I would tease her saying "Some day soon I would replace our TV.  The old Sony KDS 50A2000 SDRX (Vintage 2006) would just not bite the dust and it's HD 1080i backlit projection was "good enough" (and ahead of it's time).  

But the power of suggestion (by A.S.) and the building boredom of shelter in place lit the fuse and rekindled the fire of High Definition Desire.  The bomb dropped on August 1 at midnight with the super August 1 sale - call it the COVID-19 purchase bomb.

For a month prior to this sale I had been in analysis/paralysis mode over features and cost.   Should I go BIG (80+ inches)?  Should I go high tech (OLED)?  Was 60hz or 120 hz refresh rate required?  The feature list was endless.  Again paradox of choice sets in (which is great for the frugal gene.

In the end, it was the sale price and gift card incentive that trumped the variables - final price $9.12 per inch.  Yes, I settled for the LG 75" Class 4K UltraHD w/AI ThinQ - 75UN7370).  But... alas the low cost was absorbed with all the add-ons -  wall mount, sound system, and who knows what else will follow.

So it was the wall mount that ruined the BIG surprise for Ellen since it arrived at home today while she was at home.  So I had to spill the beans early.  However the excitement builds as we both await the TV and sound system next week.  That gives me plenty of time to ponder the math of proper viewing height, distance and viewing "footprint".  The old Sony 50 inch had 1068 sq inches (16:9) of viewing pleasure and the 75 inch LG weighs in at 2042 sq inches - a 91% Improvement!

This purchase demonstrates the challenge of desire over need in our consumerism obsession.  As Susan rightly indicated - "We don't NEED a new TV".  But the desire dangerously developed as depression dived deeper daily :)

COVID-19 is changing behaviors exponentially in addition to its spread - attitudes about home life, entertainment, travel, work, technology, relationships, health and yes .......  even age and mortality.

My first BIG HD TV screen size was justified based on age. After all I had turned 51 - I DESERVED a 50 inch TV.  Now at 65, I guess I DESIRED something larger than my age.

Choose Your COVID-19 Variable

It has been 183 days of gathering COVID-19 statistics and Day 165 of my shelter in place caution.  On March 1, 2020 I began using World Health Organization data to track cases and deaths in the USA (62 cases and 0 deaths).  I switched to Worldometer Coronavirus on March 24th and started tracking local statistics in April.

Like a good statistician and forecaster, I kept track of my predictions of when hospital beds and/or ICU beds would hit capacity based on some swags about 15% of Cases Hospitalized, 5% ICU and an average of 7 days in hospital using the current daily compounded growth rates.

In the highest daily growth phase (30-35%) early March it was easy to predict without major reduction in growth rates the USA would run out of beds in early April. On April 2 the compound growth rate had dropped in half to 15% and was rapidly decreasing each day (from 15% to 2.3%) so that by May 13 a reasonable 1.5% daily growth rate seem stabilized.   Yet even with that growth rate I was predicting capacity of ICU bed availability by June 16. 

Where was my error?  It was the SWAG of 15% Hospitalization and 5% ICU along with average 7 days in either condition. 

Now with more data the hospitalization numbers are more revealing.   NY Times reported yesterday that USA hospitalization is hovering near the peak of 59,940 on April 15 (on that day the USA had 644,089 Positive Cases; 28,529 Cumulative Deaths; 48,701Recovered; 566,859 Active Cases; and a daily growth rate in positive cases ranging from 4-6%).  That is only 10.6% of the Active Cases.  Consequently my SWAG was double that (20% for both hospitalization and ICU).

Now with more revealing hospitalization numbers the average time in hospital of 7 days was grossly understated and is more likely 22 days depending on age (see Indiana Article - Average COVID-19 Hospital Stay Greater Than Three Weeks).

So  what am I predicting now?    Based on a 1.8% Daily Growth Rate in Positive COVID-19 cases and 10% Hospitalization of Active Cases (which decreases from 49% of Cases by 0.25% daily) - then....  we WILL NOT run out of Hospital Beds.  However ICU may be strained by early October (assuming 2% of the active cases require ICU). 

BTW -  A 1.8% growth rate is still dangerous!  With USA cases at 4.17 Million on 7/23/2020 and a 1.8% Daily growth unchecked the USA will have 66 million positive cases by Christmas.

Holy or Hollow

I missed the blog on July 1 - a milestone for Dad - his 95th birthday.  So many memories of spending time together on his birthday because of summer visits around the July 4th holiday.  So sad that this time I'm restricted from physically seeing him due to Nursing Home rules in this COVID-19 crisis.

Dad's lifestyle and genes have contributed to his longevity.   His Dad lasted to 102 and his Aunt to 110.  Most of my home video collection was during the years Dad was approaching his retirement (1991 - 2005) when he was 66.  Now I'm close to that age and as I see him in videos it makes me understand how quickly life progresses.  When you look back it looks fast with short runways and when you look forward it seems slow with endless runway.

COVID-19 has placed generational differences directly into the spotlight.  Thirty to forty years of difference is clearly identified in the infections and deaths.  I wonder what Dad thought his runway would be at age 66.  My father-in-law died at age 69 and that had great impact on me.   Even now I consider carefully what my next four years would be like should my runway end prematurely.

So many people avoid thinking about the end of breath in this world.  Yesterday was the completion of the study of Matthew with the Wednesday morning BC 715 (Breakfast Club at 7:15am).  We discussed Matthew 27:52-53 (bones resurrected) which the theologians notes reference Ezekiel 37  (dry bones).  Coincidentally Ezekiel 37 was Day 5 of the Daily Devotional book I am reading "40 Days with the Holy Spirit"  by Jack Levison. 

"We adopt compromised values that numb us to real life.  We accept practices that inoculate us from real faith.  We absorb distractions that derail us from pure spirituality.  We become ...... sarkikos: merely human.  Our longings shut down. We stop hungering and yearning for for GOD altogether.  We need resurrection."  Day 5 pg 17

COVID-19 is taking breath from many;  making dry bones for many;  exposing the values, practices and distractions of being "merely human".   How will you respond?    Holiness or Hollowness?